Month: Jan 2019

Boozing while I’m snoozing

Posted on by chelseamaypage

Many people believe that dreams can be interpretted and can actually be subconscious references to deeper issues that your brain is trying to address. If this is true then I am sure a dream expert would have an absolute field day attempting to analyse my bizarre sleep induced labyrinths.

I have always had the weirdest, most unexplainable, mind boggling dreams for as long as I can remember. I once dreamt that I was eating a dog’s face and it tasted like beef curry. I once dreamt that I was a rucksack on someone’s back. I don’t think I’ve ever had a dream that I considered normal.

However recently I have been having a recurring dream that I shall refer to as ‘the relapse nightmare’. In this dream I am in my bedroom and I am off my face drunk, stumbling around the place, falling over, slurring my words, etc. Whilst this is happening I can hear my family elsewhere in the house and am filled with this sense of dread that they will have to find me drunk on the floor (something I have put them through many times in the non-dream world) as well as a sense of disappointment for drinking. I have had this dream a few times recently and as I wake up I am still filled with those feelings of dread and disappointment.

But this isn’t a bad dream, even though it feels horrid at the time, once I am awake and realise that I am in fact sober and safe in my bed, I feel relieved and comforted. It is acting as a nocturnal reminder of the fact that I never want to be in that position again or feel that way again. It is a sign that I have made the right choice and am heading in the right direction.

I’d still quite like to go back to dreaming about being a rucksack though!

Climbing out of my self made ditch

Posted on by chelseamaypage

Currently on day 24 of my sober adventure and beginning to sort the mess my drunk self left for me. When you are addicted to alcohol, everything else goes out the window. As the addiction creeps up on you and grows dealing with anything else in your life gets pushed to oneside – obviously this creates a vicious cycle – fail to deal with something important = stress, stress = consume more alcohol, consume more alcohol = fail to deal with something important.

I was drinking my problems away, but not only that, while I was drinking I was adding to my ever growing list of problems that I was ignoring until things spiralled beyond my control.

I have always been so careful with money. Ever since I was young I was taught to be wise with your spending. Just a couple of years ago I was beginning to set myself up for a very financially secure future (I am aware how incredibly lucky I am to be able to say that, I know that for many people just making ends meet is near impossible through no fault of their own), I had opened a savings account and had worked out a nice little budgetting plan.

As my drinking got out of control so did my carelessness with money. To cut a long story short I have left myself in a lot of debt, penniless, and the ‘final demand’ letters have started landing on my doorstep. I ignored all of this for so long and just soothed myself with booze. I drank away the problem rather than deal with it – I didn’t know how to deal with it and was too stubborn, and embarrassed, to ask for help.

This week I have began to tackle the issue and put some plans in actions. I had a long talk to myself and told myself that I can’t ignore it any longer, time to be an adult and fix the problems that I made. After sitting down with a pen and paper, and after hours of phone calls, emails, etc, I have begun to make arrangements to begin clearing my debts.

Drunk me would never have done this, I’d probably have waited for bailiffs to knock on my door. But sober me absolutely smashed it today… it is going to take a damn long time to get everything paid back, but at least I’m finally dealing with it.

Hooray for a clear, sober, organised brain!

3 weeks sober!

Posted on by chelseamaypage

I’ve had a stressful week, but I chose not to drink.
I’ve had an emotionally testing week, but I chose not to drink.
It is friday night and I am home alone and have money in my purse. Usually I would be on my way to the shop for a couple of bottles of wine or a bottle of vodka. I would then sit alone, drinking, stalking my ex online, getting upset, getting angry and the world until I eventually passed out.

Instead I am showered, in my pjs and ready to read a few chapters of a book and catch up on some netflix shows – I am choosing not to drink.

❤

Happiness Breakthrough

Posted on by chelseamaypage

Today I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Nothing spectacular has happened, nothing exciting has happened, I am just happy. I usually struggle on Sundays as I’m often alone for most of the day and struggle to find things to occupy me. Today started off as no different so I decided to have a nice long shower, wash my hair, moisturise my body and have a bit of a pamper. I got my comfies on, dried my hair in a style that I really like. Feeling clean and pampered I gave my room a thorough clean whilst waiting for dinner to cook. I noticed that my skin is the best it has looked in a very long time and my hair breakage (apparantly common in alcoholism) is starting to repair and feel healthy again.

I just sat down to take a break when it suddenly occured to me that I feel content, calm, excited for the weak ahead. It might seem small but I honestly can’t remember the last time that I wasn’t filled with an overwhelming feeling of stress and anxiety. Today I have looked in the mirror and not hated what I saw – maybe my self esteem is starting to creep back up!

Happy Sunday!

It’s the little things

Posted on by chelseamaypage

I remember somebody once saying to me that once you start to navigate the world without booze by your side, the smallest of tasks seem like huge achievements. At the time I probably scoffed at the thought and returned to getting absolutely off my face, but that’s because I had reached the point where I simply did not know how to nativage without a drink inside me. Even the most simple of tasks where too much for me because I couldn’t face them sober.

Well today I finally understood what this person was saying when I went for an eye test. A routine eye test, something that most people attend without a second thought but to me going today filled me with such as sense of achievement, go me!

I had been putting off going for the opticians for months, 1. Because I was too busy drinking myself sick and 2. If I wasn’t drinking myself sick then I was too hungover to even get out of bed, let alone have someone shining a light in my eyes. So I simply never bothered going despite the fact that I have been struggling with my sight for months.

I rocked up today completely hangover free, fresh as a daisy and ready to be an adult. Turns out I need glasses and had to fork out a load of money but that didn’t even bother me. I was just dead proud of myself for actually going.

It’s the little things, you know?

Let’s Do This!

Posted on by chelseamaypage

I recently read that in early sobriety starting a blog can be a very helpful tool. This is mainly due to the fact that writing and expressing your thoughts and feelings can be highly cathartic, but also due to the fact that it adds a level of accountability. If I drink – I can’t keep it to myself and hide it. So let’s give it a go!

My name is Chelsea and I am 28 years old. For the last 18 months I have been accutely aware that my drinking was becoming a major problem, and in the last 9 months, that problem escalated far beyond my control (perhaps a story I will post in the future). I have tried several times to really crack this whole sobriety thing, and time and time again I fell back into the same old horrible drinking habits. But with the start of a new year I am filled with that fresh, hopeful feeling and am really giving it my best shot. So, where am I at? Just before the new year I went 9 weeks completely booze free (I have already discovered that complete abstinence is the only way I will ever be able to do this) and I was feeling amazing, I really felt like the penny had dropped and I would never let another drop of vodka touch my lips again. Then I drank and I felt like all of my efforts were thrown out of the window. That was 12 days ago – which I know doesn’t seem like long but when you’re an addict, every second feels like an achievement. I’m not wallowing self pity in my recent slip up, I am just trying again, as recovering addicts all we can do is try and try again and who knows, hopefully this will be the time that it clicks and I never slip up again.

Cathering Gray perfectly sums it up in her book ‘The unexpected joy of being sober’ whereby she compares the road to sobriety as playing a computer game. If we mess up it is frustrating because we have to start again, however we have still learnt valuable lessons that we can then apply to getting further in the game next time!

I think I’ll leave it there for now,
All the best,

Chelsea xoxo