Tag: sober

My very sober wedding!

Posted on by chelseamaypage

As I write this I am actually a little bit overwhelmed with how far Iā€™ve come, both in terms of overcoming addiction and battling crippling anxiety. Letā€™s preface this post by jumping back a couple of yearsā€¦

It was September 2019 and I was to attend a wedding. My boyfriend and I had booked a hotel room for the night before the wedding and the night of the wedding as he was involved in the wedding party. This was a time in my life where I 100% knew I had a problem with drinking but was telling myself I could manage it just fine (spoiler: I couldnā€™t). I woke up on the morning of the wedding full of excitement. Not excitement over the fact that my friend was getting married but rather the fact that a wedding means drinking without judgement and I knew the drinks would be following. So I did what anyone with alcohol abuse issues would do and immediately began drinking. My boyfriend went to go get ready with the other groomsmen and I poured myself a glass of bubbly before I had even got out of bed.

The rest of the day continued in very much the same manner and embarrassing I can barely remember much of the ceremony at all. What a can remember, however, is having to go for a lie down after dinner. I woke up a couple of hours later and made my way over to the reception where everyone was enjoying the party. I think I lasted a couple more hours then woke up the next morning fully dressed with no recollection of how or when Iā€™d made it back to my room. It was embarrassing but it was the wake up call I needed.

Jump forward to 2 weeks ago and I yet again attending a wedding. Only this time I was the bride!! Now anyone who has ever been married will know how stressful and hectic the lead up to a wedding is, yet not a single drop of alcohol touched my lips. The night before the ceremony was spent with my bridesmaids doing face masks and eating Chinese food. Zero bubbly was consumed, although my step mother did bring over a bottle of non-alcoholic Prosecco which is still in my fridge because it tastes awfulā€¦ but I was touched by her thoughtfulness none the less.

I knew the day was going to be very anxiety inducing as I struggle in highly social situations so I prepared a survival kit. My kit contained cbd gummies, rescue remedy drops and rescue remedy pastilles. I got ready with red bull to sip on instead of champagne. During the toasts I lifted a glass of cranberry juice. Donā€™t get me wrong I was nervous as hell but I did it all completely sober. I married the man if my dreams and got to hear him say his vows with complete clarity. We got to have done amazing photographs and I donā€™t cringe looking at them. I got to be surrounded by my family and friends and embrace every moment of the day.

And, I didnā€™t faint, hyperventilate or have a panic attack. It was a perfect day and I got to enjoy every second if it.

Mr and Mrs Smith

Sober and Lonely

Posted on by chelseamaypage

This week I have been feeling somewhat lonely. The reality of being friendless has hit me suddenly out of nowhere. Perhaps I never really paid much attention to it before as I was focusing all of my time and energy on my recovery but truth is, I have no friends.

It is easy to understand why. When I was drinking I pushed absolutely everyone away, I ghosted by friends, I shut out my family and just wanted to be left alone to drink myself into oblivion and wallow in my own self pity. Then when I began my journey of recovery I wanted to do it solo, I wanted to focus on me and didn’t have the energy to put into anything else as I needed to rebuild my life. Eventually people stopped reaching out which is completely understandable and entirely justified.

I was happy, I was happy to spend time by myself. I got a new job, met my partner, started looking for a house – but I made no time for other people. Then the pandemic hit and lockdown measures resulted in further isolation.

I suppose it has started to bother me recently as whilst starting to plan our wedding I suddenly realised that I have no one to invite, no one to ask to be a bridesmaid and no one to come on a hen do. It has made me feel a bit embarrassed really as my entire wedding guest list is going to be made up of everyone from the grooms side as I have no one to share the special moment with.

I am proud of where I am in life now but I wonder if anyone else has found themselves in a similar situation?

a very sober valentine’s day

Posted on by chelseamaypage

Whether you are loved up or happily single, love is in the air today. Any other year, my partner and I would probably book a table for dinner somewhere and exchange lustful looks across the table (before eating far too much, feeling bloated, and falling asleep by 10pm due to consuming too many carbs). This year, however, is a bit different due to lockdown restrictions still being in place in my country. So I’m not sure how we’ll celebrate it really. Perhaps I’ll attempt to cook a nice meal… maybe. I’ve noticed a lot of shops selling ‘valentine’s day’ meal deals which usually comprise of a main course, sides and of course, a bottle of wine. They all come with a bottle of wine!

I see shoppers piling the steak and red wine in their trolleys and I envision those couples sat across from each other at the dinner table later that evening. She’s wearing a satin black dress and he has put on his most handsome tailored shirt. They seductively swirl the wine glasses in their hands as they tentatively make eye contact whilst the candles flicker between them. He comments on the fact that the wine pairs perfectly with the sirloin and she responds that the first sip of wine has gone straight to her head. They are enjoying their sophisticated glass of wine, she is not downing the bottle and getting a rather unflattering wine rash, nor is she kicking off about something minor. She’s probably even gone out and bought a gorgeous new lingerie set which she is going to look jaw dropping in because she’s not sloppy drunk.

My night isn’t going to go like that. I will not have the wine. I will however enjoy a nice evening with my partner. Truth be told I will probably just order take out and as it is a special occasion I may even wear matching underwear! But we will be happy… and I will comment that the cranberry juice pairs perfectly with the Papa John’s pizza.

Happy valentine’s day xxxxxxxxx

Looking to the future

Posted on by chelseamaypage

I never thought I’d make it to 30 years old. Yet here I am. I feel like I have a new shot at life, a life which I didn’t think I was going to have which means I can be hopeful for the future and start planning all of the wonderful things I never thought I’d do. With that said, and after much soul searching, here are my three goals/aspirations for the future.

Get married and have a family
I know this isn’t for everyone. Some people never want to, or feel the need to become a spouse, and that’s great. Some people don’t want to have children, and that is also great. But for me I long to one day have a family of my own and watch my children grow and blossom.Ā I would never, ever have been a good mother when I was wrapped up in my addiction and I knew that. Now I can see a future, I have love to give.

Be successful in my job
Okay I’m successful in my job already, but I want to see how far I can go and what I can achieve if I really try. I want to climb the ladder and work my way up, I want to be respected in my industry and I want to be able to see my thoughts and ideas become a reality. My boyfriend finds it weird the amount of jobs I’ve had in all sorts of different fields, this is partly because I get restless and find it hard to stay in one place for a long time, but also due to the fact that I have struggled to keep jobs in the past whilst I was a heavy drinker. I am finding myself more and more motivated and driven these days so I’m aiming for the top!

Buy my own house
Unfortunately I have a rich history of being irresponsible with money and have made a string of poor financial decisions. I spent most of my money on feeding my addiction and didn’t really care that I was fucking up my credit in the process. This is something that I will be recovering from for a long time but I am making the right steps and repairing my mess. One day I will be able to purchase my own home, and what an achievement that will be! I will be able to make it my own and be proud that I worked for it!

These three things may seem rather mundane for some, or perhaps you have already achieved these things with ease, but for me, they are all I could ever hope for… and anything on top of that would just be a bonus.

Times when I wish I did still drink

Posted on by chelseamaypage

Disclaimer: All tongue in cheek of course.

When I’m enjoying a nice bubble bath but it feels like something is missing
You know those days where you’ve worked a long shift during which you’ve had to deal with the absolute worst customers. Your feet are aching, you’re tired and all you want to do is wash away the day in a lavender scented hot bath. Bliss. However, sometimes as I immerse myself into my bubbly safe space I can’t help but feel like something is missing. The only thing that could make it even better would be a cold glass of white wine to sip on while I forget about the day.

…But no, because I’d over do it and still be in the bath 3 hours later drunk and even more riled up over the events of the day.

When I’m binge watching a new series
There is little in life as soul pleasing as when you stumble across a captivating tv series, especially when it has multiple seasons for you to completely lose yourself in. You race home, get your comfy clothes on, grab some snacks and a blanket and prepare to find out the ramifications of last episodes cliffhanger. Yet as with the above, sometimes it feels like something is missing. If only I could pour myself a drink while I snuggle up on the sofa.

…But no, because I’d get too drunk to focus on what I was watching, get distracted and miss all of the important plot points.

When someone has juicy gossip
I’m a sucker for a bit of gossip. Nothing brings joy to my ears more than someone uttering the phrase “oh I’ve got some gossip to tell you”. Wonderful, let me get the kettle on then you can lay it all out and we’ll put the world to rights. Nowadays my tipple of choosing is a nice herbal tea which is not quite the same and of course I miss bitching about your ex while we chug wine…

…But no, because after a couple of drinks the harmless gossip would intensify next thing you know I’ve decided to start laying out some harsh truths while openly expressing my dislike for everyone and generally just being a nasty person. Funnily enough I never get the urge to call someone “a stuck up bitch who deserves bad things to happen to them” when I’ve been drinking herbal tea.

When I’m at a bar and everyone is chatting rubbish
I’ve not been to many bars since I’ve been sober. Mostly due to lockdown restrictions in my country and partly due to the fact that bars aren’t really my scene anymore. Last time I went to a bar with a large group of people, myself and my partner (as he was driving) were the only members of the group not drinking and we only lasted until about half 9 and even that was a struggle. The more people drank, the louder they got, and the more absolute rubbish began spewing out of their mouths. I could not cope.

When the mother in law starts an argument at dinner
Honestly this always happens while I’m trying to enjoy my sunday roast and I just feel like I’d be more equip to deal with it if I was moderately tipsy.

When I have to attend an obligatory family gathering
You know the sort of family gatherings that happen once in a blue moon but you have to attend as you’ve not actually seen any of your distant family in about 4 years. Twenty minutes in and you’ve been bombarded by questions about your love life, your career, why you haven’t had children yet, etc. Meanwhile a political debate is taking place in the kitchen and you’ve heard the phrase “I’m not racist but…” erupt from uncle Richards mouth. Having to go through that sober is an absolute challenge and tires me out for the rest of the year.

But no, I shall remain sober and battle through those obstacles. Keep fighting the good fight.

Should you quit drinking?

Posted on by chelseamaypage

Spotting the signs.
Five red flag indicators that you probably have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

  1. You plan around when you can drink
    An old friend invites you out for coffee and your first thought is to suggest meeting at a pub instead. You go see a movie and select a cinema that is next door to a bar so you can suggest going for drinks afterwards. You go to visit family and spend the whole time watching the clock so you can get home and crack open the wine in the fridge. You turn down plans if you know the chances of drinking will be slim, e.g. no I will not go on a hike with my father as that would be a whole day without even passing a liquor store, I will however, attend the baptism of a random coworkers new born as I’m sure there will be champagne afterwards.
  2. You know what alcohol is around you at all times
    When I was in the depths of addiction my brain became a running inventory of what forms of booze were within a 20 foot radius of me at any given time. I could walk into a room and would instantly clock every bottle and the exact amounts in each bottle. I kept a tab of how much people had drank versus how much was left. It is sad but in a room full of people my eyes would begin searching for bottles before I even acknowledged the people around me.
  3. You lie about it
    When it got bad, I lied about it completely. I would drink a whole bottle of wine in secret and then stash the empty bottle and keep quiet. But even before that I always down played my drinking. If I’d drank 5 glasses of wine I’d say I’d had 2 – I always knocked a couple off the actual number as deep down I knew it was excessive.
  4. You panic if you run out
    Okay this is when I should have realised that I had a problem. I always had to have a constant supply of alcohol, even if I wasn’t drinking it at that moment. I would just panic at the thought of not having any in my possession. I could have half a bottle of wine and start stressing about going out to get more. I could have 3 bottles in the fridge and already be contemplating exactly how long that would last and exactly how many glasses I could have before I’d have to go out for more just to keep the supply topped up. I would obsess over it and it was exhausting.
  5. You’re a secret drinker
    I used to drink socially until people began making comments about how much I was drinking, then I just started doing it in secret. Slipping away for a few gulps from a stashed bottle of vodka. Waiting for people to go to bed so I could whip out my secret supply. I was hiding alcohol and I was drinking it in secret because I knew it was a problem.

Bonus – you’re reading this
Let’s be honest, you probably wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t already have that slight concern. For me, I knew I had a problem but sometimes we just need our concerns validating.

And if you are reading this and you think that you may perhaps have a drinking problem, now is the time to tackle it. Don’t be like me and let it ruin your life. Good luck and stay strong šŸ™‚ xxxxxxxx

hello 2021

Posted on by chelseamaypage

Phew, what a year it has been! Tough, stressful, anxiety inducing and at times, confusing. I entered 2020 just 3 months sober and to be quite honest I am absolutely amazed (and massively proud) that I managed to survive the year without picking up the bottle. I have never experienced so much stress in my life, yet I stayed sober. I have never experienced so much anxiety in my life, yet I stayed sober. I had days where I came home from work and would have loved nothing more than to drown my sorrows and numb my mind with a bottle of wine, yet I didn’t.

I am entering 2021 476 days sober, the longest I’ve gone since I first picked up the bottle at the tender age of 14. I am doing it.

Never lose hope, never give in, never throw in the towel.

Happy 2021! xxxxxx

I turned 30 and became a wife to be!

Posted on by chelseamaypage

Life update: I am a few days away from being 13 months sober. I feel wonderful.

Two years ago I was a mess, mentally and physically.

One year ago I was just beginning my journey down sobriety lane.

This year I celebrated my 30th birthday when in all honesty I doubted Iā€™d live to see my 30th birthday. And on top of that, my partner who has stood by me through all of this asked me to be his wife!

Never give up, never stop trying to live the life you want to live because this time 2 years ago I never would have believed that my life would be this wonderful.

xxxxxxx

2019 v 2020

Posted on by chelseamaypage

The difference a year makes.

14th September 2019 was awful. What should have been a beautiful day was once again ruined by my drinking. I attended a wedding at an utterly stunning venue, yet there I was getting ready with a glass of champagne in my hand. By the time the bride and groom said their vows I was already half cut. By the time we sat down for dinner I was unsteady on my feet.

I was so drunk that I had to go for a nap after dinner, I woke up later on, wandered down to the party and carried on drinking. The entire night is a blur.

It is a horrible memory for me, but it was the wake up call I needed. I decided that enough was enough and I had to stop… and I did. I have not drank since. One whole year of no alcohol and it feels wonderful.

Time really does fly when you’re enjoying it rather than drinking your life away!